When it comes to relationships, no one is perfect. We all get into fights no matter how stupid or silly and we all make mistakes. One of the more common ones, however, is something we can easily avoid if we just understood what was actually going on in the first place. This often takes the form of the shouting match at the end of a relationship that sends us hurrying back to finding a comparison of online dating sites. That is to say, the accusations of lack of care that usually come out at the end of a relationship rather than during and leave our heads spinning for days. How could we think we did not care when we went out of our way for her so many times, anyway? Well, what we could as supportive and caring and what she sees as supportive and caring are very often too completely different things. Knowing the difference can be all it takes to really affect a change in this scenario.
Tell Her She Can Do Things
This is so trivial, and yet many of us forget about it when we are actually in a relationship. The fact of the matter is, no matter how often you think you are being positive and telling her good things and giving her compliments, it will never be the amount you actually need to be. It’s not your fault either. We just generally have a much harder time remembering to do these things and recognizing her wants, needs and accomplishments to begin with. Most of us have been brought up to understand that praise is something we get for being especially good at something, not for just doing something at all. Meanwhile, most women are coached into believing that if they are not being praised they are doing something wrong or not worthwhile. That is why so many guys consider most women to be high maintenance. In truth, they just want a little reminder that everything is going fine, everything is good and she is doing great.
The thing is, we are not quite so different than they are with this; we have just learned to adjust to a lack of feedback whereas they were told to do the opposite. Always look for feedback. Always check to make sure everything is right. Always assume you can do better. If you are not being told how good you are doing then you are not doing well in the first place. These sorts of things are what periodically reminding her of what she is good at can help prevent from really mucking things up. Just like the comparison of online dating sites led you to Xpress.com when you most needed the information, so too can a little bit of comparison make her feel like she has her bases covered. So if she is really stressing over something, or being able to handle a certain situation, sometimes something as simple as telling her she is completely capable getting through this, or completing that project are going to be all she needs to actually manage it.
Ask Questions, Especially if Things Don’t Make Sense
Another seemingly straightforward piece of advice you may be shocked by how few people actually use in their day to day lives. Even we have to remind ourselves to do this, so chances are, and so do you. What this often comes down to is the expectation that we just aren’t going to understand what is going on. It’s another one of those things we have been brought up to anticipate just being incapable of in our relationships. We will never understand women, we think, so why bother asking this one in particular just what the heck happened. Well, because we will never understand anyone, really, but generally we do our best in every other scenario, so shouldn’t we, generally, try harder for someone we actually care about at all? Not asking is a defeatist habit that will not solve anything in the past or future. When it comes down to it, there is no way we are going to understand anyone without asking for clarification or just point blank requesting information if we have no idea what is going on.
The primary mistake people make when it comes to asking for information, however, is often coming off accusatory in the process. Then she gets defensive, we get angry she cannot just answer the question and the whole thing blows up far worse than it ever had to be. So try to skip on telling her she is being difficult and asking her why she is acting a certain way, or really anything that pins everything on her like it is something she is purposing doing to tick you off. This might come as a surprise, but she probably really isn’t and could really use someone to rant to anyway. Saying something about how something seems to be upsetting her and that you would really like to know what it is, if nothing else than to give her a sounding board for it, is going to win you a heck of a lot more points than telling her she is being annoying and to quit it.
Don’t Try to Find the Silver Lining
When we find out people we know and care about are suffering in some way, often our basic instinct is to try and make it better. In a lot of cases we know this isn’t going to work and thus end up offering a silver lining response instead. It could be worse, we tell her. Or at least it didn’t end up some other way that would have really messed things up. Here’s the thing: pretty much no one ever wants to hear that when they are particularly upset about how things are currently. Yes, there are starving children who would love to have what she has, but that does not solve the fact that she is nearing a panic attack from the amount of projects and responsibilities being thrown her way at work. What’s more, telling her things is likely just going to piss her off, since to her it sounds far more like you are making little of her current woes than actually trying to find something to make her smile in spite of them. What you are practicing when you do this is sympathy over empathy and our own experiences with what is like should be enough to deter us from doing the same.
Ultimately, however, we are far more accustomed to sympathy than empathy. It is just much easier to try and offer some help than to commiserate or fall into silence. We do not feel like we are actually doing anything helpful in the latter options. The sensation of spinning uselessly in place is what led use to find a comparison of online dating sites in the first place, so it’s understandable why you would shy away from things that do not appear to actually be helping the situation. If, however, you just agree with her that the situation sucks and stick around to offer your presence if nothing else, you are practicing empathy and she will appreciate it a lot more than you think.